5.
“My mom wasn’t a stripper/sex worker with a heart of gold. She was just an awful person who made bad choices. I can say she was an addict with a lot of her own personal demons, but there were plenty of people in my family who offered to raise me, and she refused to let anyone else ‘have’ me. I was a ‘possession’ to bring in more money, a pet to keep her company, and when we both grew older and I started getting more attention, I was a rival and an enemy. There were always random people around, and my childhood was spent in the dressing rooms of strip clubs, biker clubhouses, and drug dens.”
“Every day she had a series of times that she could do the right thing — feed me, take care of me, love me, and give me up, but she didn’t do any of them. She used to delight in telling me that she brought me into this world and would be the one to take me out. She was convinced and told me every day that I would take care of her for the rest of her life. I was already taking care of finances, shopping, cooking, bringing her back from her overdoses, and generally keeping her alive.
I eventually ended up in foster care at 14 and never looked back. I have zero sympathy now. My childhood was a never-ending series of horrors, and the only way I survived was by luck, god, and the fact that there were never high points.
Now, I am an unflappable, married mom of five. I am successful and give my kids a good life. I rarely tell anyone what I went through, but most people I share any portion of my life with are of the opinion I should track down my mother, forgive her, and let her meet her grandkids.
I really can’t give her a bit of forgiveness or love. About 10 years ago, I contacted the police department in her town to check on her. They found a bunch of dead workers from a serial killer (I had a moment of weakness and thought, as her only child, I should at least bury her). The dispatcher heard my story and said I should stay away, as she had just gotten out of prison for stalking.
My foster mom is my mom, and she has been there for every important part of my life. I am not sure my bio mom ever had any joy in her own life, and she certainly never gave me any.”