6.
“I am gay, and I married someone when I knew who I was. I grew up in a small town in Texas with a very conservative dad and a mom who expected her son to marry, buy a house with a white picket fence, and to have the 2.5 kids like everyone else did. There was a lot of pressure. I couldn’t come out, didn’t have the strength. I was young, and I’d get killed in that little town. I didn’t know anyone who was gay and I felt trapped. So, I dated this girl and we were quite the couple. Well, at least I knew how to play the part.”
“I really got to enjoy her company over time, and we became really close — not in-the-bedroom close, but good friends close. She was pretty, smart, and loving. I also thought this would be a short relationship, but it lasted longer than I thought. I had no plan and no idea what to do to get out of it. Feeling the pressure from my parents and hers, I eventually asked her to marry. I didn’t know what else to do.
It was terrifying. I couldn’t see my future past the current day. Sex was atrocious. I had become the expert on giving every excuse in the book as to why I couldn’t or didn’t want to. It started weighing heavily on her, but she never became suspicious. She assumed something was wrong with her and it really started to affect her. I felt like an asshole.
One night, after three years of being married, she asked for intimacy, and I gave my 1,092nd excuse as to why I didn’t want to. That was it. She had cried before, but this time, she couldn’t stop. Crying uncontrollably. Thinking she was the problem. God, it was terrible. I couldn’t take it anymore and at 4 in the morning that night I came out to her. It all made sense to her, and I literally watched the weight of the world lift from her shoulders. It was the best night and worst night of my life. I came out, but I was going to lose my best friend.
We separated and eventually got a divorce. I wanted to make sure she was going to be okay and paid for her therapy and paid all of her debt off. I felt like I owed her a lot. Fast forward 10 years later, and she and I are good friends. We can talk about the days past, and she holds no grudge. She remarried, had some kids, and is really enjoying life. I, too, found a partner and am very happy and feel liberated. Looking back, had I been strong enough to come out, none of that would have happened. But things happen for a reason, I believe. I have the utmost admiration for those who come out early and aren’t afraid to be who they are. I am very proud of who I am, but I wish I could have enjoyed that aspect of my life earlier had I come out. But I did gain a friend in the whole process and wouldn’t change that for the world.”